My Release, My Opinion, My Life

I'm back!

2005-02-07T16:37:00.000+11:00

Ok I had it with the nagging!

I'm back already!

Got a few emails from complete strangers asking why I haven't updates!

Freaky!

Well nothing much has happened!

The boxing day tragedy was sapping. Couldn't bare to write a thing cos nothing seemed appropriate or justified. Helped out for awhile.

been doin stuff but not worthy to mention them though!

Met people I adore...but that's alot to be writing!

And yes I do miss u too Lianne. No one to go have girly talk abt stila then jump off to something intense like that dummy bush! Hope we can meet again.

That's all for now!

Tacky reception

2004-12-23T01:52:00.000+11:00

The reception was tacky.

TACKY!I'll spare the details cos I'll just sound vindictive. But yeah it was gaudy, tacky and just totally not edifying.

I beleive that the Lord has to be a part of these things. I really do. Wehn it is, the union of two people can become a moment that edifies everyone else present. i can very safely say that wasn't the case here.

Besides, the bride's family was just annoying. Especially her younger sister. Totally obnoxious for no real reason. Ahhh totally annoying. And the bride and the family has quite effectively managed to piss off quite a bit of people. Oh well....people just learn from their mistake!

Since I got back

2004-12-22T01:09:00.000+11:00

Well the very first day I got back saw me getting soaked in Singapore's torrential rains. Breaking a pair of my favourite beaded flip flops by Bisou Bisou in the process and basically not getting beyond the bus stop. Haha..It's embarrassing i must say.

Well since then, I scored a job at my dad's place. It has been totally educational cos I get to use my Mass Comm knowledge and learning tons more about domestic and international politics. I'm also getting very interesting insights on loads of other stuff.

I also attended Sinapore Idol and the after party. Met a few intersting people there. Kim's 21st was a blast! Auntie Gloria was as usual the life of the party. Then it has been just nothing but meeting up with frens and shopping.

Been reading Rushdie, who I must add is a genius and I finally caught or should I say bought Mother India. Bloody brilliant. The metaphors were just subtle but poignant. i loved it.

So well it has been nothing the usual stuff since I got back. Although I must add the first week was a little hard. I missed the silence and all that personal space. Gone back to eating what is cooked for me as oppossed to whatever I feel like...yes there's no pleasing me. But I love it!!!

Oh well I'm dreading tmr. It's this girl's wdedding reception n I personally don't want to be there but since me beloved Pammy assuared me that she'd be there, I'm relieved.

the writer in me!

2004-11-11T05:07:00.000+11:00

I would like to apologise for the lack of images and backgrounds in this blog! I'll try to fix it once I get back to S'pore. For now please accept that the content is good and that you won't regret reading it!

I just got back from an intersting night out. I just met Nabaneeta Dev Sen, a prominent Bengali writer and the ex wife of Nobel economist, Amartya Sen. i was completely inspired by her life and work! I mean stuff that I valued as unique to me she also problematised for herself. So as much as I may no longer be as unique as I perceived myself to be I will still maintain that our lived experinces are different.

But it was so amazing cos I actually met her and spoke to her. I got to ask her this question that has been nagging me since I read her works. Also as an aspiring writer I really truly believed that my relationship with language shapes the world and my understanding and emotions I tag to it. I was inspired.

But then I got into the usual chat with the others. And as much as I am actually toying within myself of becoming an academic, I shudder to think it shall never be possible. For several reasaons I believe I might as well just get them out of my sysytem. i find that each time I have an issue to highlight and get off my chest, I turn to writing!

1. Judging by my lackluster ability to write a brilliant essay, how do intend to make a mark in the academic world.

2. What's my politics? What's my forte? What do I want to be an expert in?

3. I'll probably never get a PhD or ever even write a book!

4. It's such a dog eat dog world why should I even care.

5. And the biggest reason of all. All my studies are devoid of God and He is central to my being. How do I reconcile my studies to my faith? or should i? What's the relevance in the things I learn. The battles I have in me are too complex to be articulated in any scope! I sometimes wonder.

I just have no idea where my place in this world is. I want the Lord but while I'm here I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to save the world from itself. I have no idea what I might find myself doing after I graduate. i just love academia and the rigour it provides but I'm so convinced with each day that I may not be cut out for it. I totally have no idea what direction my life will take once I leave the stone walls of the university.what difference does it make to the world that I have a degree. A worthless piece of paper that will aid in my saving the world!

I pray and surrendered my life to God but everytime I hang out Philip and gang I just can't help but wonder.

my thoughts!

2004-11-04T13:06:00.003+11:00

Hey Daph look I'm Literature!

You are Literature.
Your strength is your ability to understand human
nature, and you tend to equate truth and beauty
with humanity. You get along well with Poetry
and Drama.

What form of art are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Elections Day!

2004-11-03T13:21:00.001+11:00

Congratulations Obama!

Haha...My Obama won Senate. See I was very interested to see who would have have voted senate in Ilonois cos both candidates were African Americans. Those who were gonna vote for Baptist preacher look alike, republican, Alan keys were gonna do so cos "he is man guided by the spirit". Obama will be the only black senator at this point of time and only the third since the civil war. A democratic African American in Senate is exciting news for me and poor Keys lost out rather miserably! So Americans do have brains. There is still hope.

I have come to the point where I'm just suprememly disillusioned by the American ideology of democracy. There they go around "democratising" others when they have Mary Poppins registered to vote for them (yes they actually do have our favourite nanny registered to vote. Well i think she should run for president. The woman can say supercalifragelisticespealidous can't she. that's more than what I can say for that Bush fellow!). Ahhhh....so can't see why the rest of the world can't have a vote. I'm sick and tired of Americans saying that the rest of us should stay out of their domestic business. Well if they can meddle in our domestic issues in the name of foreign policy why can't we vote for who become the president the the world's only hyperpower.

Anyway, I thought I was bordering on anti-Bush to Anti-American sentiments if America would vote Bush again. But amazing all that has changed. I have come to a point where if Bush becomes president again, kudos to us. He can then try to "fix" the mess he got them into in the first place. And when he fails, which i'm sure he will ( but his utterly brilliant spin doctors would convince the Americans that it was not a failure and that democratisation will happen eventually- "cos these things take time")

Oh well may the best man win!

Happy Birthday Jamie Baby!

2004-11-01T13:44:00.000+11:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL!

Jamie hope u had a great 16th Birthday! U're the best little sis anyone can ask for! Not like I had much say or choice!haha *wink* i'm glad pap and mummy are not buying u a discman! haha...makes me feel good to know that they won't always give into all your demands. HAha!

Still rememebr how sam was ranting about how he didn't want a baby sister n then proclaim u were the most beautiful baby at the hospital. And u still are the most beautiful baby I'll ever have! Anyways, while I was in church celebrating ur birth and thanking God for u, I was reminded of Priya.

So as much as I love u baby girl, here's a tribut to a dear life - Priya's.

It's not my mother's garden

She broke into frantic hand gestures for my attention. My name refused to come out of my mother’s mouth. Bewildered, I sauntered from the garden and up to my front door, my precious camera slung around my neck. I was upset that my intense photography session was ruined yet again by my mother. It was her idea that I capture her flowers in bloom. She then took great pleasure at incessantly interrupting me with silly instructions. The photographer in me was offended.

My mother was the woman who thought her dream came true the day we bought a house with a small plot of land in front of it. In land-scarce Singapore, this is a Godsend. No bigger than a sandbox, a well kept garden of local fauna greeted you as you walked up to my house. Yet, my mother was unhappy till she made it her own.

My brother and I watched in horror as she and Granny spent hours brutally clearing out the garden. The botanist in me wanted to shout “Bloody murder!”

The botanist was short lived. Growing up took a toll on my sympathy for the garden. Ten years saw a cheeky little girl blossom into a vivacious young lady with no time to worry about anything else but herself.

Those very same years were unkind to the supposed garden. Each day was a testament of my mother’s failed attempt at keeping anything alive. Green fingered, my mother was not. My mother showed an amazing ability to kill without shedding a drop of blood. Curry leaves withered and died. Lime saplings developed shrivelled leaves. Flowering plants never made it past a bud.

Her dream turned into a decade long nightmare. The sadist in me was amused. You really do reap what you sow. The nightmare showed signs of a fairytale ending the day Priya walked into our lives.

She was unlike most young women in their twenties. She was a short, fragile being overcome with worry but a smile so genuine and sweet was her trademark. The only thing truly youthful about her was her shiny shoulder length black hair that was swept back into a neat ponytail.

The hardship that Priya left behind in Sri Lanka, must have caught up with her when she found herself as my grandmother’s domestic help. Every Sunday when we went over to Granny’s, Priya would be slaving in the kitchen or doing some household chore or another. She would jump up with fright and run to Granny when called for. She never seemed to have much rest. Despite that, a tired Priya kept smiling. My mother and siblings adored her. Anyone who could put up with my Iron Lady Granny for two years had to be special.

Priya and my mother had a special bond that sometimes made me envious. I’m my mother’s daughter and we did not share a relationship remotely similar to theirs. My mother loved how cheeky and energetic she was. I resented how Priya would be the big sister I never wanted. I never enjoyed sisterly advice from anyone. I was not going to leave school like she did. Why would she think I would?

Even after she left granny’s service, Priya still kept in touch with my mother. She barely even spoke English but my mother mastered the art of making do. Priya visited us whenever she could.

One such visit had her bring pots of bougainvillea and seeds for flowers I had never seen or heard of. But my mother’s face lit up and a smile broke across her chubby face. Her cheeks had never been rosier. The flowers- to- be reminded her of her childhood holiday house in India. Priya had actually brought them here by hand, from her homeland, for my mother.

Without a second to spare, Priya and my mother began work on the garden like children in sandboxes. They began digging tenderly through the soil, planting the seeds and flowers with love and pleasure. Memories of what were and anticipation for what would be was a cherished moment they shared.

Months passed, and for the first time in my mother’s garden’s existence, plants began to flourish. They bloomed and grew greener than ever before. As the garden began to sustain life, we learnt that Priya wasn’t. Diagnosed with breast cancer at 26, chemotherapy took away her youthful energy and her beautiful hair.

Her visits became fewer and my mother developed a chronic longing to see her beloved Priya. These rare visits would entail my mother and Priya sitting by the garden, pulling weeds and telling stories. These shared stories witnessed a garden flourishing in the brilliant shades of red, pink, purple and green.

It hardly took my mother much cajoling to have me photograph them for Priya. Being drawn away from such lively subjects was a sin. But there I was, at my front door facing a speechless mother.

“Priya is gone”, she mouthed out slowly, carefully and quietly. She did not want the garden to hear.

Irony and melancholy hit me all at once. Regret began to take over me. It was then that I realised youth never guaranteed anyone immortality. That death comes regardless of how old you are or who you are.

As far as I was concerned, Priya never lived life to the fullest. She did a lot better than that. She lived life ensuring to the best of her ability everyone around her was happy. She never wanted anyone to live the life she did. I now see that her sisterly advice was an attempt to ensure I would never know sorrow like she has. She saw education as a ticket to a better life. A life she wanted me to have. Some things in life are better advised than experienced. I see that now. Death comes and takes us but what legacy do we leave behind.

In every crevice of my being, I knew Priya had left a part of her in that garden. How else can you explain my mother’s plants living as they never had before?

Poor Mallu boys

2004-10-12T01:45:00.000+10:00

This was apparently written by some poor south Indian Sod. He's lamenting the problems Malayalee (mallu) and Tamil (tam) men have in N.India. I laughed my head off because I believe it to be true. Rajeev Menon decided he should be Reggie...it worked out well for him till he went to the States n found out that everyone wanted Rajeev n not Reggie! An Indian IT specialist is gifted everyone else isn't...or so the Amreicans thought. So our beloved Mallu Reggie has become a Rajeev in a foreign land.

"The Travails of Single South Indian men of conservative upbringing"
or "Why we don't get any..."

Yet another action packed weekend in Mumbai, full of fun, frolic and introspection. I have learnt many things. For example having money when none of your friends have any is as good as not having any. And after spending much time in movie theatres, cafes and restaurants I have gathered many insights into the endless monotony that is the love life of south Indian
men. What I have unearthed is most disheartening. Disheartening because comprehension of these truths will not change our status anytime soon.

However there is also cause for joy. We never stood a chance anyway. What loads the dice against virile, gallant, well educated, good looking, sincere mallus and tams? (Kandus were once among us, but Bangalore has changed all that.)

Our futures are shot to hell as soon as our parents bestow upon us names that are anything but alluring. I cannot imagine a more foolproof way of making sure the child remains single till classified advertisements or that maternal uncle in San Francisco thinks otherwise. Name him
"Parthasarathy Venkatachalapthy" and his inherent capability to combat celibacy is obliterated before he could even talk. He will grow to be known as Partha. Before he knows, his smart, seductively named northy classmates start calling him Paratha. No woman in their right minds will go anyway near poor Parthasarathy. His investment banking job doesn't help either. His
employer loves him though. He has no personal life you see. By this time the Sanjay Singhs and Bobby Khans from his class have small businesses of their own and spend 60% of their lives in discos and pubs. The remaining 40% is spent coochicooing with leather and denim clad muses in their penthouse flats on Nepean Sea Road. Business is safely in the hands of the Mallu
manager. After all with a name like Blossom Babykutty he cant use his 30000 salary anywhere. Blossom gave up on society when in school they automatically enrolled him for Cookery Classes. Along with all the girls.

Yes my dear reader, nomenclature is the first nail in a coffin of neglect and hormonal pandemonium. In a kinder world they would just name the poor southern male child and throw him off the balcony. "Yes appa we have named him Goundamani..." THUD. Life would have been less kinder to him anyway.

If all the women the Upadhyays, Kumars, Pintos and, god forbid, the Sens and Roys in the world have met were distributed amongst the Arunkumars, Vadukuts and Chandramogans we would all be merry casanovas with 3 to 4 pretty things at each arm. But alas it is not to be. Of course the south Indian women have no such issues. They have names which are like sweet poetry to the ravenous northie hormone tanks. Picture this: "Welcome, and this is my family. This is my daughter Poorni (what a sweet name!!) and my son Ponnalagusamy (er.. hello..).." Cyanide would not be fast enough for poor Samy. Nothing Samy does will help him. He can pump iron, drive fast cars and wear snazzy clothes, but against a braindead dude called Arjun Singhania he has as much chance of getting any as a Benedictine Monk in a Saharan Seminary.

Couple this with the other failures that have plagued our existence. Any attempt at spiking hair with gel fails miserably. In an hour I have a crown of greasy, smelly fibrous mush. My night ends there. However the northy just has to scream "Wakaw!!!" and you have to peel the women off him to let him breathe. In a disco while we can manage the medium hip shake with
neck curls, once the Bhangra starts pumping we are as fluid as cement and gravel in a mixer. Karan Kapoor or Jatin Thapar in the low cut jeans with chaddi strap showing and see through shirt throws his elbows perfectly, the cynosure of all attention. The women love a man who digs pasta and fondue.

But why do they not see the simple pleasures of curd rice and coconut chutney? When poor Senthilnathan opens his tiffin box in the office lunch room his female coworkers just dissappear when they see the tamarind rice and poppadums. The have all rematerialised around Bobby Singh who has ordered in Pizza and Garlic bread. (And they have the gall to talk of
foreign origin.)

How can a man like me brought up in roomy lungis and oversized polyester shirts ever walk the walk in painted on jeans (that makes a big impression) and neon yellow rib hugging t shirts? All I can do is don my worn "comfort fit" jeans and floral shirt. Which is pretty low on the "Look
at me lady" scale, just above fig leaf skirt and feather headgear a la caveman, and a mite below Khakhi Shirt over a red t shirt and baggy khakhi pants and white trainers a la Rajni in "Badsha".
Sociologically too the tam or mallu man is severely sidelined. An average tam stud stays in a house with, on average, three grandparents, three sets of uncles and aunts, and over 10 children. Not the ideal atmosphere for some intimacy and some full throated "WHOSE YOUR DADDY!!!" at the 3 in the morning. The mallu guy of course is almost always in the gulf
working alone on some onshore oil rig in the desert. Rheumatic elbows me thinks.

Alas dear friends we are not just meant to set the nights on fire. We are just not built to be "The Ladies Man". The black man has hip hop, the white man has rock, the southie guy only has idlis and tomato rasam or an NRI account in South Indian Bank Ernakulam Branch. Alas as our destiny was determined in one fell swoop by our nomenclature, so will our future be. A
nice arranged little love story. But the agony of course does not end there.

On the first night, as the stud sits on his bed finally within touching distance and whispers his sweet desires into her delectable ear, she blushes, turns around and whispers back "But amma has said only on second saturdays..."

In one last effort here we attractive young men have taken on alter egos which may interest some of you women:
1. Gautam Kumar Raja, will now be known as Joshua Perreira
2. Sidin Sunny Vadukut, henceforth will be known as Dev Chopra
3. Ashwath Venkataraman is now Vijay Desai
4. Sudarshan Ramakrishnan no more, from now he is Barath Sharma
5. Gautam Chandrasekharan will now respond to Alyque Shah

Do mail me any time for a meeting with one of the above. One week
notice if Italian or Chinese food is involved, or if the individual is
expected to dance

march baby

2004-10-07T02:53:00.000+10:00

According to Sab's blog, as a March baby, I'm:

MARCH:Attractive personality.Sexy.Affectionate.Shy and reserved.Secretive.Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic.Loves peace and serenity.Sensitive to others.Loves to serve others.Easily angered.Trustworthy.Appreciative and returns kindness.Observant and assesses others.Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize.Loves travelling.Loves attention.Hasty decisions in choosing partners.Loves home decors.Musically talented.Loves special things.Moody.

It's not all true!

Out of my comfort zone!

2004-10-07T02:18:00.000+10:00

Just came back from church. They usually have bible study on wednesday but today was a thanksgiving service. It was a real blessing. And the boys were so sweet. Suddha called yesterday to check on how I'm gonna get there and Samuel called today to find out if I wanted him to come into the city and get me. So sweet! I'm grateful these guys are taking a burden to ensure that the lack of transport will not be the reason we don't show up.

Ruby and I met up at Flinders and I had company all the way to Westall. i think it was truly good company cos we never realised we got to Westall until the last second...haha! Kirupa was stunned to find me next to her. She didn't expect to see me. Then Anu showed up...ah I'm gonna miss her. She's going back to S'pore. It's so weird how we became friends here and all that time back home we never spoke. Life.

Gosh everyone was stunned to see me there. Melessa's granny was so happy to see me there. Brother Mark was saying how he was happy to see the young girls all talking to each and looking out for each other. And pastor was like stunned as he was happy to see me there and after enquring about how I was going to get back he commented that I must have been revived. I agreed and told him frankly that keeping it up would be half the battle. to which Pastor and Mark smiled and chuckled respectively. I was perplexed. i was being honest not funny! Pastor added that it was the honesty that amused. What can I say.

Well Mel was dropping Anu off and offered me a ride. It was a lovely ride. We drove around for somewhere to get dinner. it's the last time that Anu n mel will be seeing each other in awhile. We ended up at a Greek restaurant owned by Costas. He fed us despite practically closing for the night.. He said he had to feed those who prayed for him. So he put on Greek music and I got to dance the greek dance we see in my Big fat Greek Wedding. So fun! Well dinner/supper was great. Mel's treat. It was a little ex!

But it was the ride home with Mel after dropping Anu that I appreciate. We were talking about stuff like God, relationships, marriage, friends and more God. We really think the girls should form friendships with each other to spur each other in God. So I've decided to open up my home on Sunday for that. I think it's important.

So strange! I usually avoid going for bible study but I've decided that from now on, I should go. I really do want to learn more. Also I should make it a point to attend the Saturday prayer meetings. It truly refreshes the soul. So yes, I believe the Lord has pretty much answered the prayers I made years ago about how I wanted to find Him and seek Him out. He does answer stuff in His own time. I don't ever remember being this excited about my Lord. I just want to share about Him to everyone I see. It's like the enlightenment Dostoevsky's strange man recieved. Oh well!

Like I told pastor, I think living in His name will be my battle. I just pray that I can do it! Please Lord help me!

New Experiences

2004-10-05T16:51:00.001+10:00

So yup, new experiences indeed. The convention at church was amazing. It truly was. I mean I sense a difference in outlook but being practical with it is where I believe my challenge lies.

As for church as someone pointed out...I'm happier here. Why shouldn't I be. It is like the answer of years of prayer. It trully feels like a family and there is a true sense of community. Also the youth group is on fire and truly and genuinely more interested in each others spiritual and daily lives.

Also, I would like to gladly announce that Melbourne has survived a day with Jessica on the road. John, my instructor is really sweet and I find driving kindda fun! Haha! Cool huh! Papa was like "you might actually get your license before Sam!" how I wish.

The boys, Suddha, Sam and Annand and even Melessa (who isn't one of the boys) were so sweet to constantly ensure I had a ride home in the evenings. The number of times the girls were like outraged at how the boys got me to a station n got me into a train. They felt that the boys shouldn't have done that. But the boys n i were totally cool about it. So oh well....that's life. Everyone's concern is truly touching.

Anyway, I'm having the girls from church over at my place after service for lunch. It'll be the first time I'm entertaining a goup of people and I hope it pans out. It'll be fun I'm sure. No idea what to cook but oh well! Besides I'm thinking of moving out soon enough but I also have no clue how all this will pan out. So till then, I'll continue to enjoy my new experiences in life in God!

It's the break!

2004-09-28T01:01:00.000+10:00

It's the break! Like really! Yeah...so cool right!

Spent a week doing essays and handing it in! Hanging out with frens and occassionally I even got to spend time alone in my room watching movies and reading! I'm totally enjoying it!

I have been on a baking frenzy the past few days. Brownies galore. Hmmm....papa said he wished he could eat some. He's the only one who'd eat anything I made even if it was burnt simply because I made it. Haha...I wish he was here to try them out too.

Also must commend rachel for her amazing cooking skills! *Applause* Boy can the girl cook! She had us over for dinner two days in a row! it was great!

Haha...Going on a shopping frenzy! I'm quite scared really! There's so many pretty summer skirts n dresses available! And they all fit! Ahhhh...the pleasure of picking up anything I like and knowing that the chances of fitting me almost perfectly if not perfectly. Ohhh...and I actually tried out this really beautiful spagetti dress from Portmans. It was black with simple rose red flowers. It was beautiful and $130. So never gonna be mine! I lament! I weep! I must practice caution! I must!

But I have to say the Lord has been great to me. i'm feeling closer to Him more than I ever have. Church is great and I learn so much about God n my relationship with Him. I'd like to begin and tell how salient He has become to my life.But I'll never know where to start.

Well take everyone and be good!Miss u guys and Love ya!

Voices out of America

2004-09-14T18:40:00.000+10:00

Haha...If the United States of America is the most hypocritic "democracy" in the world, then it is no wonder why the people are disillusioned. here are some of the most interesting paradoxes I found. Ps: I refer to George W Bush as an idiot.

Artist : Green DayTitle : American IdiotAlbum : American IdiotGenre : Modern Rock

Don't wanna be an American idiot.
Don't want a nation that under the new media.
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mindf**k America.

Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Convincing them to walk you.

Well maybe I'm the f**khead America.
I'm not a part of a redneck agenda.
Now everybody do the propaganda.
And sing along in the age of paranoia.

Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Convincing them to walk you.

Don't wanna be an American idiot.
Don't want a nation controlled by the media.
Information nation of hysteria.
It's going out to idiot America.

Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Convincing them to walk you.

----

The western world appears to be divided into two opposing camp. Left and Right. The right seem to be very hawkish and the left seem to think that we must blame ourselves first and change the policies that force terrorists to hate us. The terrorists want nothing more than the complete destruction of western society. They do not care about right and left. They hate us all. Russia did not support the United States in Iraq. Yet the war came to them. Make no mistake, Chechnya been apart of Russia since the 1700's. This is not a war of independence. It's war over militant Islam. Every single Democracy in the world is at threat. How long will it be until you see these attacks in France and Germany? Does anyone cling to the false belief that terrorists only hate Republicans?

J Blanchard, Austin, TX USA
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/talking_point/3634890.stm)

Scary isn't it that people think like this! What kind of simpleton would come up with this. Must be the water in Texas, I swear!
-------------

Also want to give a shout out to my girl Lauren Bacall! "U go girl!U tell them that Nicole whatever her name is is no where near legend and shall never be cos she lacks substance-like us!"

Favourite Soccer Palyer

2004-09-12T22:41:00.000+10:00

Ok guys! It's official. Jessica has decided who is her favourite soccer player.

*drum roll*

It's not Raul,

Not Figo

As hot I think both of them are...

Not even Del Peiro or Maldini!

*drum roll*

It's not even the super hottie Cristiano Ronaldo (who is my wallpaper and screensaver)...yes Daph, shock, shock, horror, horror! It's true!

It's none other than Ronaldinho! Yeah...he out ranked even Roberto Carlos and Ronaldo! Ahhhh....I love all that fancy footwork and oh how that man dribbles a ball! He's a force to be reckoned with!

That's all for now from the Insanely Unnecessary Frivolous update in a day in alife of Jessica!

Weirdo Magnet!

2004-09-12T19:17:00.000+10:00

I'm the weirdo magnet now!

Met Parry at Flinders in the morning as usual. But there was way too many people on my platform. They were heading off to the car races down at springvale or something! Anyway, the train arrives and Parry and I get in. We get seats across aisles. These two guys end up next to me. I guess they must have had a great nite of drinking.

The guy next to me signals to the guy next to me who says, "Nah, she's a good girl. She's going to church". The next thing I know we start bantering cos he kept asking too much questions. Parry was like we need to get you another seat but before he could another guy comes and sits across him and starts to talk to him. Of course Parry and him manage to talk about Mormons (that's the denomination he belongs to) and Cambodia (apparently there's where he's from)!

So as far as those weirdos next to me are concern, I'm more than meets the eye and I''m not that innocent. I took out a book but that only got them more interested. Bleah! The more boisterous of the two was siiting opposite me. Apparently he doesn't need Panama (whoever she is?) because I was there! Can you believe him. We were stuck in crowded train with no where to go.

He leans forward to see what the book was. At this point Parry is at panic mode. But I was like here look at the cover. Then I turn and find Vanitha was standing right next to me. I grab her, move in a seat and get her to sit beside me. I warn her about the guys from the looney bin!And we start chatting.

Of course, now I'm directly opposite Mr Boisterous whose like "Hey now u're right in front of me. What do you want me to do?"

Ignore.

"Where should I put my legs?"

Ignore.

"Hey seriously, where should i put my legs?"

I snap.

"Anywhere but there" I retorted pointing to where my feet was.

"You're a smart ass arn''t ya?"

ARGH!

Vanitha is like ok what's happening here. Parry is tryin to understand Mr Mormon.

Mr Mormon joins our conversations and it gets all too confusing. Really!

Anyway, the guys finally leave at Clayton, which was where i said church was. We didn't get off and he was like you have a lot to repent for. I smiled. Hey technically church was at Clayton South. You don't have to get off at Clayton to get there.

Waved him off and he was like u little sinner. It was all very weird considering how Sunday mornings on the train is a quiet, peaceful event!

Mr Mormon then goes, "That was a very intellectual conversation!"

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Yeah intellectual indeed!

Lazy Saturday Afternoon!

2004-09-11T18:34:00.000+10:00

I just love a lazy Saturday afternoon. It's so nice to just lock myself up in my room and do nothing in particular. You don't have to go anywhere if You don't want to. I must say it has been a long time since the apartment was used for anything but work! Haha...totally refreshing...literally as well! I doubt it has stopped raining all day.

Ok there was a momentary interuption to my solace. Apparently the apartment block is going on auction and so the auctioneer is using my room as a showroom (I could have said no but apparently I was (deliberately) misinformed and now I'm stuck)! Bleah...every saturday for a month! thank God it's only for an hour. But I mean really! That means I can't afford to be a slob! Dang! No bras and undies hanging aronud and the likes. And I wish I could say "This is an Asian household, shoes off" but hey I just want them out of here. Talk about an invasion privacy.

Well, I'm gonna make me dinner and continue doddaling!Ahhh life!

Amazing night!

2004-09-10T03:02:00.000+10:00

I just had a really interesting night! It was just so intellectually stimulating. I had gone off to the talk by Richard Wilcott hosted by the Institute of Postcolonial Studies. The talk was at the Uniting Church. What an odd place for a talk of such calibre. He was talking about why Australia had gone to war in Iraq. He highlighted like 13 myths and realities. It was all very interesting but at some level save the Aussie freshness, there wasn't anything truly new about it. Two guys from my tute were there, James and Arty (who both James n I agree looks more like a John!But that's our little secret!) so it wasn't too bad.

After the talk, we all headed down to the Institute of Postcolonial Studies. The lecturer, Philip Darby has the most gorgeous but quite dog i've ever met. He was named Mentor. Oh well! Postcolonial all the way I guess.

But I met so many people including Wilcott. and we just talked about politics. It was so exhilerating! At one point my tutor, Simon was like "God girl, u really screwed up with the identity thing". I guess this was sfter establishing the numerous identities that is attached to me. The Syrian Christian, Malayalee, Singaporean girl of Pentecostal faith who is constatntly seeking her identity. i guess i mentioned that i was purporting existential values at a particular point in my life. He mentioned that bit about being screwed up. Then he was like "really? u? existentialism? wow looks like we have the makings of an academic here". And i was like but really don't mind. I love the academic rigour. It's so exhillerating. An adrenalin rush to be challenged and provoked to thought.

Anyway, we moved onto Philip's place to continue with more of this political and postcolonial discourse. It was here that Simon said he was excited when I broke into an emotional outburst at last week's tutorial. "It wasn't emotional"and it wasn't. he was exagerrating! But really it was so fun to sit there and pick apart ideas and realities. Man, I totally loved it!

And I totally loved Philip's place. He has this book collection that's not as big as ours back home but it was just so fascinating. he even met Naipaul and got him to autograph Half a life. Wow! How cool is that!?!! I love Naipaul! I really do! he's just so wow and Philip has an autographed copy! Oh and he was telling us stuff about the Mountbatten (whom he met) and his wife Edwina! Wow....it was just so fun! Just sitting there and talking about politics and all the other ills that influence it!

Oh well...so much for the banter. I really love uni life.

Lamentations

2004-09-08T00:56:00.001+10:00

My heart laments for the violence around me.

Chuldren dying. Terrorism. Counter-terrorism call it what you must...the same thing.

I have no idea why people do this.

It's like your heart is ripped out of you when you see families crying the eyes out. The unfathomable pain they must be feeling. I can't begin to imagine or want to imagine. The last moments before your life is taken away from you. No warning. No resolve.

Three years on, two planes crashed into a building and three thousand died. As the excuse, even more have died.

Are the dead redeemed by more death?

Schools are never safe. Your home is never safe.

Why do people do this?

How can they do this?

Negotiate. terrorism. The words we use. why do we use them?

It does nothing for lifeless bodies and the liveless living souls they leave behind.

Why are we violent? What does it solve.

I just lament. A quite voice in a sea of chilling screams.

This is life? Is this life?

A quiet prayer for the innocent children who are in the middle of this violence. I yearn to make a political cry but no one will take this tear stained face seriously. Please give the children of the world peace. Please.

Murphy's Law

2004-08-30T12:15:00.000+10:00

You think I would have known by now....really after being an advocate for Murphy all throughout my Mass Comm years in Ngee Ann, you think I would have known. Anything that can go wrong, does go wrong. I mean, Nothing good ever does last.

So I did wear my heels and dress, only to find everyone else was still rugged up. According to Anu, there was a cold front coming in the night before. But boy was I grateful that it didn't rain or get unbearably cold.

Anyway, yesterday was great. Although Jason's left, I was surprised to see how many young guys there were in Church. Ok, apparently there was a song practice for young people after church yesterday. There was like ten of us girls and there a whole alew of boys. Ok granted some of the girls disappeared or were just too young but still, they had like three football teams or something! Ahhhh!

Well after singing practice, Melessa said she'd drop us off and it was fun. This weekly ritual where she'll drop us off at Clayton station, is very girl bonding. And there we'll, in yesterday's case, Anu, Ruby and myself, will sit in the car and talk about stuff. We intend to go shopping on a Saturday. Sounds fun, doesn't it. Oh well, we girls plan very well, but the execution takes forever. Or in Murphy's case, something does go wrong!

The week that passed!

2004-08-28T18:37:00.000+10:00

Just sat down after deshelling like a kilo of prawns. Dishpan hands anyone!

The week has been good. Bumped into so many people and had some really amazing intense conversations. Let me tell u abt them!

Like how Lin n I thought it was a lovely day on Wed, went down to Lygon and got some gelati and sat on the grass and just basked in the sun. We just talked about random stuff and she for the first saw me gush! Gush about what...well that's for my closest frens to know...haha!Then we caught the impressionist exhibition. Van Gough's Starry night blew us away!And we had great fun!We did!

On Thursday, I met this Aussie girl whose a year older then me n sh'e engaged. well Sandra joined Reiko n I for lunch! And it was interesting. She was trying to figure out how we Asian girls feel about culture.And we couldn't get why she was engaged at 22!

That evening went over to Anne's place and had a good meal and had a great time playing games. Figuring out the differences between Americans and Aussies (namely because most of them were Aussie to begin with) and then discovering that I was the bridge that knew both worlds! It was strange but all very fun!

And on Friday, after class I bumped into this linguistics postgrad, Anna. I met her two weeks ago when Christy and I shared a table with her for lunch. Anyway, yesterday, we were talking about stuff like the diff between greeks n indians..yeah she's Australian greek n i'm Singaporean indian. Then she just blurted that I must be an Aries with strong Piscean traits. i was "Wow!How did u do that!" She was like spot on. I am a cross cos i'm on the border. I was so impressed. Then she started tattling off why I am either! I was like blown away. She's good!

Anna also told me about how Gandhiji granddaughter is teaching in La Trobe and if I'm interested in doing her English Lit class, the uni could arrange it for me. As long as they don't have the same class here. How cool is that!

But it interests me so much how the Aussie kids here like to talk to me about my Indianess. It's interesting!This guy mentioned at anne's that he liked Indian food. And I was like.."oh really!" And he goes,"yeah Vindaloo" And I was like,"you do know tt tt's not really Indian!" And so I found myself inviting these guys to my home when they are in Singapore for a real Indian feast (piping down on the spice was a quarantee!)

And yes after class yesterday, I did end up at an Indian restaurant as predicted! I'm doing Indonesia next week! We don't know of any good Indonesian restaurants here. So sad! Oh well...we could go for Thai!!Haha! Tom Yam Kun anyone?!

so yes....life goes on!

Oh and yes I did finish my readings....I gave up sleep but it did get done!

the weather is becoming lovely...I sahll wear my dress to church tmr! Like after so long!haha!and heels! haha! very happy!

Osama!

2004-08-24T02:54:00.000+10:00

I caught Osama today with Fatma. It was rather interesting and powerful film but I couldn't help but feel like there could have more salient themes that could have been pushed. Like the director does highlight the plight of women but it's just pieces here n there and not as full a story as it should be. And I truly believed it would have been brilliant if he could have tied in the grandmother's story about walking under rainbows into the story!

Otherwise the day was pretty much my usual Monday affair. Run around the city and get my errands done and then zip off to school for more running around!Sigh!

I have essays due in two weeks and I have yet to start and I have so much readings to do too! bleah! When will I find the time considering my busy social calender for the week! I have no idea how I'm gonna do it but I know I will do it!

Oh and Jamie, no worries about compos! It'll be fine!

I walked in the city all night!

2004-08-21T14:43:00.000+10:00

So here's the deal. Daph's in my bed at nearly 3 pm on a beautiful Saturday morning babbling to God knows who and God knows what. Sparatically she mummbles about how we (I'm assuming the likes of Uma, Rachael, Ronnie n myself) don't wake her up!

Sheesh...strange thing she's here by fluke can.

Yesterday after my class (Asia Pacific media systems which by the way we talked about Japan), I met up with Daph, Uma and Rachael. We headed off for dinner which I'm happy to proclaim was Japanese. Unagi, Sashimi n teriyaki chicken washed down by my favourite green tea was divine.

Of course after dinner was over we had to hang around for at least an hour cos Rachael needed to meet someone who was going to help her break into her house as she had forgotten her keys-apparently again. So off to the cafe we went.

Then Rachael left and so did Uma. Daph came over to catch the remainder of My Big Fat Greek Wedding which she didn't catch cos she fell asleep from jet lag. The movie ended in due time n we started talking about the film n our favourite parts and before we knew it it was 1245. She would miss her tram. We rushed out and got to the tram stop. But at 0115, it was official our dearest Daphne Tan had missed her tram. I told her to stay the night but she wanted to walk home. We bantered about this for awhile before we established that it was a lovely night for a walk and headed off toward Crown. Except we just kept walking and ended up at the National Art Gallery. Haha! So with that headed off to Crown n we walked around it and in it and headed for my place when I tought let's walk around Federation Square first. And they were showing the Olympics on the big screen. So there we were bonding to the fact that Gary Hall is the cockiest sportsman in the world. Gary sweetie the only reason u won cos Popov wasn't in the competition. SO IN YOUR FACE, CAPTAIN AMERICA!

Yup, after that back to my place which she didn't want to at 1 am for a late night snack and another movie. But I guess I fell asleep and so here we are!

Spontaneous and mad!

Ok let me get my clothes from the dryer before I attempt to wake Daph up! I'm making Hainanese chicken rice and buk chow and mushroom in oyster sauce! Don't u wish u were here with me!

PS: If u r Jamie or Sam, don't tell ma n pa what u read here, ok-if u guys what to see ur next b'day!!!

I'm back!

2004-08-17T18:34:00.000+10:00

I wanted to write stuff for so long but I wasn't able to access my blog! Bleah! Blogspot couldn't recognise my password but here I am again!

I wanted to tell u guys about this guy who worked the US defence and stuff, Daniel Pipes. I went for his talk on militant Islam and terrorism, a few weeks ago and I was fuming mad. It was like US censorship at its best. My friends from the Socilaist Alternative were there shouting slogans and telling him that he was a racist, anti-Arab and anti-Palestinian and stuff. So exiciting! Then during his talk people were interjecting with comments. During the question and answer segment, he just refused to answer questions and made remarks about universities and statistics on how much of the Arab population is radical (like how do you know this sort of stuff?). He even got people kicked out of the room. My friend was the first one to go! But really...I was so mad after the whole thing because I couldn't believe this guy was responsible for American Defence programmes.

Anyway, I'm back in the swing of school. Meeting new people and doing new stuff. I'm enjoying it. Church is also so very fun. It's a great reason for me not to want to come back to Singapore. But I don't want to think about stuff like that right now!

Oh and Jamie, that Roxy bag I saw and thought you'd love isn't there anymore. So I guess you won't be getting it! So sad! Anyway, I'm glad you and Donna had fun! Oh well, study hard for your prelims.

Life!

2004-07-29T18:05:00.000+10:00

Yesterday was a weird day! I was totally pissed of at certain individuals and had no idea why. It's the way some people say stuff..I swear! Totally bugged me that I had been super efficient the day before and had nothing to do. Met people and did my laundry and readings! had absolutely nothing to do!

Then the Alfreddo sauce I made from scratch sucked and my shower head was driving me up the wall. Besides there was hardly anything good to watch on TV and everyone at the rec rm was in the smile but so sick of life mood.

Then when my mum called, I realised how much I missed them. We talked for awhile and it was good. Then my dad called after that and I spoke to Jamie as well. It was great! I did finally get down to sleep with the sound of a leaky shower. I hope the plumber got it fixed.

But today was a good day! I met up with a few friends and bumped into others and tonight shouldn't be a problem. Found stuff to do! It's so important to have stuff to do. Besides, by next week I should be fine!

I realise people bother me more then I'd like them to. So annoyed with myself. And after coming back I realise I miss my family and friends especially Kim! Bleah...the one person I'm so glad not to see is the Queen Bee of Toxic herself! I'm glad we're oceans apart and I'd like to keep it that way!

What I've been up to!

2004-07-26T17:29:00.000+10:00

Congrats to Brazil! Didn't get to catch the finals but I'm so glad they won! Argentina played really well throughout the championships...but my sweet boys of Brasil WON!haha!In your face...

I'm back in Oz! Haha! Life is good! I'm excited but my classes....most of them look at cultural relativism and North/ South relations. So exciting!

Spent the week before last detoxing my life from people that are so toxic. Spent it with Daph and Kim and Paul and the likes. People who are fun n good for me. take a bow guys. That was good for me. Now I find I'm fresh and revitalised for school! however all good things in life never last for long. Detoxed my life of all toxic people and on the day i left the Queen Bee of Toxic, my aunt herself wanted to see me. Damn Antogonising can! Bleah! By the time I got home, I was all cried out that I could cry even if I wanted to!So gald to leave for that reason. I prefer the church here t there anyday!

Anyway, school has started and that is all I'm looking forward to. Can't wait to get into the swing of things.

Women are like apples!

2004-07-13T16:22:00.000+10:00

Got this off a fwd. Too lazy to send it out so just enjoy it!

Women are like apples on trees: the best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along - the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with other women who are good apples - even those who have already been picked!

And remember ... Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

mum's the word! Bleah!

2004-07-13T14:31:00.000+10:00

Mum is so annoying sometimes. She went beserk today when I said I was going out with Paul.

"What just the two of you?"

But of course! What part of I'm going down to Orchard to meet Paul, does she not get? sheesh! Then she goes on this tangent that I'll be late for a dinner appointment and about what people will think!

Gosh, by people she means the sorry excuse for human beings that sometimes go to my chuch. There's nothing christian about them (and by judging them like that yeah yeah I know so unchristian of me too). But you see unlike a certain moron named George W Bush, I never purported my Christianity, now did I. Anyway, those narrow minded idiots are apparently gonna get the wrong idea. What wrong idea. God I can't understand these people sometimes. Just cos their kids do stuff like that doesn't mean I will!

Go mind your business and as for my mum...bleah can't do anything about that can I!

Toxic people!

2004-07-13T03:07:00.000+10:00

Spent the week contemplating.Meeting up with friends, being a mother to my siblings and watching the Copa America. But for the most part, I have spent the week contemplating the year that has passed. I've been reflecting on where I've been and where I want to be.

I've begun weeding out the toxic people in my life. Although I can never truly rid my life of them, as Kimberly put it, "just spend less time with them. The less time with them, the happier you will be".

Thanks dear! Everyone could use a friend like Kim. My only true friend. My best friend.

Some people bring out the best in you. Others don't. Like no really!Sadly for the most part, people who think they know me are sorely mistaken.

I was speaking to Ricky the other day and we were talking about stuff which led to *Jordan (Names have been changed but the problems are real). He agreed that Jordan is everything she hates about me. Ironic, isn't it. She always bugs me but she means well. Ricky's pissed with me cos he doesn't see how I make sense...like he ever does.

So like Jewel says, if we are surrounded by beauty, we will become what we see. So to maintain my sanity, these toxic people will now be handled with a pinch of salt. I'll take myself less seriously around them.

If you have better ideas, let me know. I think I've been handling them wrongly all this time.

I'm not missing...I'm just a little

2004-07-06T05:14:00.000+10:00

Hey there one and all... I'm not missing, I'm just a little preoccupied with...LIFE! Haha..yeah, yeah laugh all you want but it's true. I wanted to do up my blog but the other one just didn't cut it for me. But this one's not ready either. So till then, chill hon I'm sorting myself out.

Coming back has been great. It's given me ample time to (besides eating my way around the country and my mother's kitchen) think things through. It's helped me see where I stand with me. What I think about things in general. I mean, I realise with each day, things around me. I become acutely aware why I feel passionately about some things or why I am ultra sensitive on certain issues that no one seems to get or even see as a problem. I mean they are dear to me, live with it.

For instance, I find culture is a fascinating thing. A social construct it might be but so what! It's a part of everyone of us. Some more than others. We disown. We cherish. We change it to suit us. It confuses us. It identifies us. But I'm constantly grappling with. Let the Bible tell me that there's no Jew or Greek (By the way, I so can't believe they won the Euro cup...thank God I came back for the Copa America!) or Gentile. I love diversity.

Yesterday, over desert, my dad mentioned how kids of mixed ethnicities are confused. Hell even if they were Indian but of different communities they are confused. And I blurted out that I was still confused despite being in neither camps.

As a child, I could never relate to being Indian. I wasn't the Indian on tv or on the street. I never wore a bindhi or touch my elders feet. Weddings for my community was a simple affair. I'm Malayalee. But what does that mean. I speak my mother tongue (albeit to be remembered and retold by loving(ly annoying) relatives and mother as humourous anecdotes of Jessie mol's Malayalam). So what.

I met other Malayalees, around my age. And we have loads in common. A common language, culture and ideals. I enjoy the commaraderie. I never felt like I belonged. I still don't. The kids from India will break into Hindi hence leaving me very lost. They still have their own brand of jokes and common identity. To them, I'm still the Singaporean girl who'll never be Indian enough.

I've met Indian kids from the US and UK. We get along perfectly well. As products of a supposed immigrants, we find ourselves grapling with our Americanness/Englishness or in my case Singaporeaness. I found I was learning Mandarin and Malay not only because I had to, but it was the only way I saw myself fitting into the general crowd. My identity as a Singaporean somehow lied in that.

I have a particular friend (yeah...protecting identity sucks sometimes!), whom I love dearly but sometimes I see why they say people can be poison. She is not always good for me. She fails to see that I am who I am because I'm constantly trying to discover myself. She fails to see that I strongly believe that my destination in life is strongly intertwined with who I am, where I came from and why I was there. I'm not living in the past. This is my road to self discovery. Ok that's just code for "she has no idea who I am, at all". Yes, that has affected the way I see our friendship. But she has not noticed it yet!

I guess why I am ranting like this is that I watched this American production, American Chai. I can see why it as many awards as it did. A bloody brilliant comedy about first generation Indians striking a balance between their Americaness and their Indianess.

Watching Bend it Like What's his name with certain friends, I learnt new things about them. One friend couldn't believe that the dad would let Jesse play football on her sister's wedding. It got me thinking why I didn't see as impossible. I found myself thinking the same thing today when I was watching American Chai when father reconciles with son. I guess we first generation Indians may prefer more sophisticated movies, but essentially as Indians we seek out escapism. Acceptance from our parents, family and community are important. We never want to do anything that would upset them but we want to live our lives for ourselves. We constantly find ourselves walking this thin rope of blurred desires. We use deception to protect our parents from the truth. The truth that is us - their children.

I guess this is what I think about where I stand in relation to where I'm from and where I'm heading.

Afterall, I've only begun this journey. Where I am today, is where I've been tomorrow. That's life. That's experince. This is me.